Are We What We Always Wanted to Be?

I admit I may have a problem. Not with myself, but with everyone else.

You know what it is? No matter what, it’s always – everyone else.

Starts with childhood, probably ends up in a retirement home.

Whenever I hear criticism or suggestions that affect me or my private life, I switch back to toddler mode and grumble internally or externally.

Everyone stupid – except me. Usually I don’t even think about what was said, I only hear what I wanted to hear.

I am perfectly capable of getting excited for weeks over sentences and words of individual people and to indulge in tirades of hate, only to find out later that these people don’t even know what they have actually said at the end. Nice and stupid. Isn’t it?

How often do I actually ruin my own plans because I give something on what others say in advance. My goodness.

A self-boycott of the finest? No problem. I sometimes do it before I even take a step out of bed in the morning. I’ve already gone over in my head everything I’m gonna hate today.

Do I even give a day like today a chance to be good?

How often do I go to bed in the evening and can’t sleep because my head starts to think negatively. Who knows that you cry in bed in the evening because it didn’t go according to your own head. As a child you still show your feelings promptly, but the older you get and adapt to the system, the more you learn that showing feelings is something for wimps and crybabies. So you wait until it is dark and you are alone. how often do we actually cry for joy? probably rather seldom. I think even that’s frowned upon.

What problems do I have when I am constantly dissatisfied, ungrateful, irritable and negative. I’m not talking about the real psychological problems that belong in the hands of a professional, but about all the fine, small, subtle, self-destructive things we do during the day, sometimes completely unconsciously. But which in the long run really make our lives difficult.

First of all, I probably just didn’t realize that I was standing in my own way, because I was never able to become self-aware. How am I supposed to react adequately to my environment and its interests concerning me, when even my parents were hardly able to do so. Especially if you also have siblings, or if your parents had to put you in children’s institutions in time and left the upbringing to an outsider. This topic has already moved countless people to study. Keywords to google would be there, for interested parents sandwich children, sibling rivalry. Education should not be my topic either.

So if I have not learned from childhood what I am worth for whatever reason, then I will always look for my salvation in the outside and orientate myself on what others say to me.

In the worst case, they were or are exactly like me, they got up early in the morning and thought everything sucked. Your face in the mirror, your weight on the scales, then the contents of the wardrobe, the coffee was bitter and the milk sour, the children missed the school bus and the cat scurried out of the apartment door just at the moment when you finally wanted to go to work. Of course you hate the job too. And if not the job, then the colleagues or the boss, often also the customers. There are countless reasons to grumble.

Now the question arises, does the constant dissatisfaction and unhappiness make me satisfied? Am I only happy when I have again passively and aggressively let off steam as a troll on dozens of forums on the Internet, because the criticism of the others is once again confirmation for me that the world is bad.

Am I satisfied when my environment meets with rejection, because the world is so bad and humanity is doomed to fail anyway, because of its stupidity. Or am I so much involved in my own misery that I don’t even notice the whole self-destructive behaviour anymore.

If I can answer at least one of these questions with „no“ and finally want to be really satisfied and happy, at first just within the scope of my possibilities, then it will probably finally be time to wake up and change something.

I recommend once again to read my book Glaubenssätze spirituell betrachtet – Yes its on german so only people who understand it can read it.

There I will tell you some ideas and suggestions for inner growth and satisfaction over the next weeks.

Stay tuned and healthy – Your Katja 🙂

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